The Battle Within

   Battles have been a part of man’s life, even from the very dawn of civilization. Man fought hard to survive, for his rights, for what he believed. Many battles have been fought but only the strongest have stood out; many innocent lives slained, many more robbed of their dignities. Even today, it still goes on but not in the barbaric ways of our forefathers.

    Ever since I was a child, I had my own battles to fight. I fought with every strength that I had to just stay alive. My comrades were the doctors and the nurses who did everything they could to keep me going on and the enemies were the sicknesses that ate away my young life. There were times when I felt my life were hanging on a single thread; my survival, sometimes, depended on some chemical fluids that were injected into my body. I was in bed with no strength at all and I could hardly talk, waiting and waiting.... for a miracle.

    The battles I have fought with these sicknesses were so painful and tiring, yet the hardest and the biggest one is a battle that has been in me from the very first moment I laid my eyes on this world, a battle that I will have to fight through my entire life till I reach the land of absolution. A battle, not of might like those that are fought with swords, guns, bullets, bombs, etc. but which have to be fought and won by patience, loyalty, righteousness, humility, truthfulness, love, gentleness, kindness, dignity, etc.

    My body, my life is the battlefield. Good and evil fight over my soul. I know I belong to the former, which provides me with the armours of virtue. The demon knows all my weaknesses and tries to hurt me and make me lose my footing, trying to win me over, trying to make me surrender. Temptations linger all around me, waiting for chances to absorb my soul, watching my every move, waiting to jump in the moment I make a mistake, the moment I let my defence down, stalking me like a lion, its prey.

    He took away my everything, pushed me into the pit of hopelessness and desperation; stole my joy, my dignity, squeezed me tight, robbed me of my young life, tried to destroy my foothold - my faith and trust in God.

    Little by little, one by one, I lost control of my worldly life, my love, my life, even my dreams. Fears and doubts began to envelope my brain. Anger, pain, loneliness, hatred and jealousy filled my heart, yet I had to shut them up inside, they ate away at my confidence, and I could feel the corrosions inside but there was very little I could do but wait and wait and bear this pang in my heart patiently and bravely - never losing faith. I began to feel the world despising me, friends abandoning me - but when I thought about it, why shouldn’t they? when I could not even begin to love myself; but I somehow knew that they were all just a part of the game. There were often times when I lost me strength and broke down and cried, “Why me?” but the answer was always “Why not me!” Loads of questions arose in my mind but the answers lay beyond this life.

    Everywhere I went, everything I saw and heard, it was always the same story. I could neither run away nor hide, for the battle was within me; sometimes, my only escape was the memories of the good days which were treasured inside my heart and the fantasies or the illusions that I painted at the back of my mind. I saw people having fun, enjoying and most of all, they seemed so happy. I was happy for them - that they were still so complete and happy but I really did feel so down and low and how I envied them and how I felt so out of place, so left behind, so different; for they lived in such a wonderful world of happiness and comfort while I lived in a world of shame, sorrow and despair. Nothing I had ever done could make me happy, nothing gave me the thrill of joy. The world didn’t offer me comfort anymore, for I knew nothing really lasts that long, nothing really worth a sacrifice, they come but they fade away so fast. (Though we may think that they offer us absoluteness and happiness, they always seem to drag us down into oblivion; what we think takes us to the top always does make us feel so low and down). Only when I was inside the circle of God’s love did I feel comforted and safe, and the moment I stepped out of it, the world came stabbing me down again. Whenever I armed myself with God’s love and strength, the road seemed so calm but whenever I took that off, I lost control and the dark half of my inner-self revealed itself in the most poisonous form, hiding God’s loving face and I made moves without a clear head and I always did regret what I had done sooner or later.

    There is a battle in each and everyone of us but we do have a choice. So, let us sharpen our swords, take out the weapons God has planted in us, and always remember that we must never lay our weapons down and that only these weapons will see us through - for our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, the powers, the world forces of this darkness, and the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places (Eph. 6:10-20); and to win, we don’t have to be a soldier in uniform. No matter how hard and painful the battles may be, we can survive, we must never give up, we must never quit or surrender, we must fight to the end... till the very end. No matter how much we may lose along the way, always remember - ‘He must increase and I must decrease.’ Let us be strong and brave, and let us bear the pain bravely, for we must know that all these tears that we have shed, all these heartaches we have felt and all these scars and bruises will get us ‘a medal of honour’ when we cross the river. When this long cold battle within us is over, we will be in God’s glory, singing songs of victory and praises where His glory shines on.... forever.

©buddyhnamte1999cal.

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